Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Above and below water

There is often this fairy tale notion of adoption in that you are rescuing a child so once you get them the child will live happily ever after.  Is this what you have thought? Maybe the excitement leading up to the gotcha day with the family and then all that adrenaline leaves? This might be the case or it might not but what I do know is life gets way harder after Gotcha day.

Attachment is hard work. Adoption is hard work. Loving those that reject you is hard work. Lily is such a joy and a delight to be around. She really lights up a room and her laugh is nothing short of hearing the Lords laugh. With all this love, sometimes also comes rejection. She has never know unconditional love and love that is constant. This type of love also brings up emotions in her that she can't even understand.  There are times when she loves Mama and then times Baba is her main squeeze. While in China Lily preferred Mama and Baba just helped where he could and rejoiced in the little things all the while his heart hurt. This happened to Mama the day we left for the United States.  Baba was Lily's focus and this was such a blessing and answer to prayer. This brought out in Mama some feelings and emotions that had been bound up from the start. Part exhaustion, part anxiety, part fear mostly walking in the flesh. Its so easy to get caught up in fears and in our own insecurities that we forget what God has done and what He is doing.  While I would love to say I immediately focused on Phillipians 4:8-9 and dwelled there this was far from the truth.  I had so many emotions bottled up from the whole process of even going to China they all began to leak out.  I found myself pleading and begging the Lord for peace, and begging to ease the hurt.  This also brought up good conversation with Dan and I as he experienced much the same.

The Lord had done a huge work in my heart a few years back in dealing with how I was perceiving things.  I perceived life thru the lenses of fear and rejection. Also, I tended to live in the victim mentality.  While I thought the Lord had sifted my heart through and through in this area I quickly discovered that this was not the case. The Lord was not and is not done in my heart sifting out in this area.

Adoption brings out all your insecurities. Truly. It is so amazing being on this journey and wow,  all I can say is Lily is stinking amazing. We constantly pray that she would come to know the Lord early and that she would allow the Lord to use her mightily.

We have loved this bonding time of just getting to know our daughter. We have had to teach her most everything from using a western toilet, brushing her teeth, washing her hands after going pee, and all the basics that we take for granted.

What we do know is she loves order and details. She likes things in their places. This is far from how I operate that its forcing my anal side (the little I have) to kick in and jump into action. What we don't know is if this is a coping thing, or if she really loves order. Time will tell.

Time is what we need now. We have to keep this in mind during the good days when we are above the water and in the bad days when are heads are underwater as she experiences grief and lashes out. We would love prayer during this time!

The photos are from introducing Lily to the park, and selfies with Mama! Oh how she loves to take photos with Mama!!!!!  Also I have attached a cute little video. We have some books with stickers and blank faces that Lily has started diving into. She loves to put them on Mama's face as we talk about where the eyes are, and nose, and all the other facial features.  Also she loves play dough and creating things.

Also, the third day we were here my niece Kate came in to meet Lily. Literally it was just standing next to M
Lily loves Dan's protection. When she is afraid or something new happens she runs to Dad. Hes safety!

Mama and Lily and smiling to Lily.  Lily did give her a high five when she left. Kids have a way of breaking down barriers that adults cant.  Kate came back to have a little play date a few days later. They got along great. Lily did reach her peak at one point and then the night was ended. My parents and brothers family has been so so gracious in giving space and having patience with Lily and us. Lily is terrified of strangers and is an extreme introvert. So we have to keep her exposure to people at a minimum otherwise she starts to retreat and disengage.  She loves one on one with those she knows. Seriously her smile and little laugh could melt the hardest of hearts.

After five days she was comfortable in putting stickers on Gong Gong and Pow Pow's faces. (Grandma and Grandpa).  Both grandma and grandpa have been amazing with her and us. The don't push anything and allow us and Lily to tell them when enough is enough.  My mom has been nothing short of amazing. She makes sure we are fed with food we all can eat. She even had me look through a Paleo book of breads that she was going to make. She has been such a blessing to our hearts as we navigate things with our new little family. THANKS MOM and DAD!!!

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